In-Laws

In one of my earlier posts I mentioned how in young women's girls sometimes make a list of qualities they want in the future spouse.  As a part of my "grown up" version of that list, two of the on my list are very important to me.  First, I want my future spouse to love my parents like his own, and second, I want to love his parents like my own.  I've witnessed as a number of friends and family members end up disliking their in-laws and never want to do anything with their in-laws.  Will my love for my future in-laws be a deciding factor on who I marry?  No. Will having this mindset help me in accomplishing this goal? Yes, I believe it really will. 

We are commanded in John 13:37 to love one another, it says "A new commandment I give unto you, that ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another." It doesn't say "Love everyone except your in-laws" It says to love everyone.  I'm not suggesting that your in-laws should be your best friends.  But face reality, they are your spouses family, so they are now your family.  You are going to see them, spend time with them, maybe even vacation with them. Why not love them like they're your own parents.

Growing up I had a friend who usually invited me to family parties. I loved family parties at her house because no matter the occasion (a birthday, a holiday, or simply a Saturday BBQ) it was always her Mom's whole family and her Dad's whole family.  They were the epitome of a big happy family.  I loved the idea of including both sides of the family in your activities instead of doing separate parties.

I mentioned earlier that I think having this mindset will help me when I begin the decision to marry someone.  The way I see it, because I know I want to love whoever my future in-laws are then I will go into with the intent to love them, and love them deeply.  I won't go into meeting them with the hesitation that maybe we won't get along, or maybe I won't like them. I think a lot of getting to know people has a lot to do with one's mindset. With my mind set to love, it will be easier to reach that goal.

Protection From Pornography

We live in a world where pornography is increasingly being viewed as the "cool" thing to do.  No matter where you turn you are faced with the issue of pornography.  So how do we live in a world where this is becoming acceptable while living a life where it is unacceptable?

The answer seems like an easy one...simply avoid it, put up protection against it.

We all wish it was that easy to protect ourselves some pornography, the truth of it is, pornography is growing increasingly harder to avoid, and protection is getting thin.

It seems as though you can't turn on your tv without a show being more risqué than you'd like, or a commercial having someone scantily clad on screen.  Billboards aren't much better, and the magazine stand at the grocery store is cluttered with close to pornographic images.  The internet and social media is a completely different story. We have ways to make the internet a little more safer for ourselves and our children, but that doesn't mean that we are free from the traps of pornography.

How can we encourage our families to walk away from the trap of pornography? How can we keep our marriage and our family safe?

First, talk about it. This isn't a subject that can be pushed to the back burner anymore. You need to be open and honest about it.  With yourself, your spouse, and your children.  You and your spouse need to have open communication about whether you have ever viewed pornography (willingly or accidentally).  Help each other work through problems if you have.  Your children need to know that they can come to you without fear of judgement if they come across this.  If they know that they can come to you from the beginning you will be more likely to stop them from viewing it again.

Second, put up those walls.  While they may not block every attack sent at you, they will do a better job than not having a wall up at all.  Imagine it as a war zone.  Pornography is the enemy, and you are the good guys.  Pornography is shooting at you and you have a choice between an open field or gunshot ridden wall, which do you choose?  You hide behind the wall, even though it is covered in holes, it will still offer some protection.

Third, increase your spiritual protection.  Make sure that the spirit is able to reside in your home, to help fight off other attacks.  Read scriptures as a family, pray as a family, study the words of modern day prophets. Do those things which would invite the spirit into your home.

Fourth, remember that pornography can come in various types of media. It can be an image on the computer, a movie found on Netflix, a song on the radio, and a book on the library shelf.  I think we sometimes forget that it can come in all forms of media, so we guard ourselves against somethings, but not the other.  We need to arm ourselves against everything. If you have a book that could lead to something worse, or your music choice isn't wholesome, consider changing it before you get too far off the path.

Charity

When you think of marriage, do you think of charity?

I didn't either.

But the more I thought about it,

the more I could see that your marriage is the perfect place for charity, everyday.

I love the above quote Sister Dalton,

if we view charity as a state of the heart rather than just an action we will be able to have charity in our marriages a lot easier.

Yes, you can serve your spouse, that is easy.

But what about being forgiving?

Or loving??
Caring? Comforting?

How about just listening to your spouse as they talk about their day?

While they may be actions, they aren't the large actions that we normally think of when we think of charity and serving, but if you have charity in your heart they will be just that.

Charity in a marriage can be such a strength, to the marriage as a whole as well as to you and your spouse respectably .

Elder Ashton once said, "“Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down." (Ashton, 1992, pg. 19)

Christ taught us the perfect example of charity when he forgave the woman who was known for sinning (Luke 7:36-50).  He could have judged her based on her mistakes but he forgave.  We can choose to do that with our spouse.  We can forgive them of their short comings and help them to improve the things that they want to improve on.

Managing Conflict

It is inevitable, conflict will arise in any aspect of your life, sometimes when you are least expecting it.  When you're married you don't have the easy ways out of the conflict though. For example, when you are engaged and you get into a fight, you or your significant other can easily run away to your own home and you don't have to deal with the conflict at hand right away.  When you're married though, you're not going to be able to run away to a different house, you're going to have to figure out a way that works for your marriage to work through the conflicts.

What are some ways that you could work through conflict, or avoid it altogether:

1) Communication, communication, communication.  You need to learn the best way to communicate between the two of you.  Not everyone has the same communication styles, but you need to work out a way that works for you as a couple.

2) Expressing yourself before you hit your boiling point. Just like water has a certain temperature that it will begin to boil we as humans have a certain point where we can take so much before we react badly.

3) Trust. I think that with the larger amount of trust in a marriage, the less likely it would be to experience a large conflict in marriage.

4) Continue growing your relationship.  Just because you are married does not mean that you suddenly know everything about the other person. So if you can continue to grow your relationship through dating each other, and conversing with one another you will be able to know how you each respond to things better.

5) Discuss a problem. Each spouse should be able to discuss the problem at hand before you try and solve the problem.  Sometimes discussing it is the key to solving it.

All in all, conflict is inevitable.  You'll face it in some sort of way, at some point in life.  You just need to figure out how you will manage it and work though it, and it can be a learning experience for oyu.

Pride

The pride cycle isn't something that I automatically think of when I think of marriage.  But, the reality is, pride is everywhere, including marriages.

We have been warned by Prophets of the damage of pride, but it is a lesson that everyone seems to

need to learn over and over again.

In his talk titled Beware of Pride, given in the April 1989 General Conference, President Ezra Taft Benson helps us understand pride a bit better. He says "Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance." "Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing." "The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us."

President Benson then says that when we are prideful towards God we are putting our will before the will of the Lord.

What does pride look like in a marriage then?

Pride can hide itself in things that you don’t even think of.

What about those days when you come home from work and see your spouse just sitting on the couch doing nothing.  How do you react? Is your initial reaction one of anger and questions like “Why are you just sitting there?” “I work all day and come home to find you being lazy again.”

That would be pride, you’re putting yourself before your spouse. 

Perhaps your spouse had spent the entire day deep cleaning the house and this was their first time sitting down.  Or maybe they had just received a phone call and were processing the information.

Or what about when an argument comes into play?

Do you play the

“Let’s see who will apologize first?” game. Yes? That’s pride.

Do you hold grudges?

Are you unforgiving?

Do you sit and let the anger steam?

These are all natural tendencies that we have as humans, but they are also so prideful and can be so damaging to yourself, your spouse, and your marriage.

Every one suffers with pride, the scriptures are covered in examples of the pride cycle.

We have to try and push pride out of our lives, if we can do that we will experience a greater joy.

Trust

This week in class I had the opportunity to interview someone whose marriage I look up to about the importance of trust in marriage.  I chose to interview my cousins wife.  I didn’t grow up with my cousin, but when I started college he was one of my closest confidants.  He drove the 2 hours to visit me at college once, and brought his then girlfriend with him.  Ashley is now of my best friends and I value her opinion greatly, which is why I chose to interview her.

Her answers to my questions were really short and sweet, but it sparked a lot of thoughts this week.

Trust is a hard thing to gain, especially if you've had trust broken too many times.  But it is one of the most important elements in a marriage, actually it is the most important element in any relationship.

One of my favorite scriptures is Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding."

We learn about trusting the Lord in everything in our lives.  We learn to trust Him and His timing, we trust that he knows what is best for us, and we trust that He will protect us. 

Why not take those lessons and place them in all of our other relationships?

My cousin's wife said something in response to one of my questions that really struck a chord with me.  She said; "Your spouses trust is one the most important things in your marriage, make sure to gain that trust early on. Don’t do anything that would hinder that trust." 

You need to gain that trust before marriage.  Trust is something that you need to work towards gaining when you first begin dating.   If you expect your significant other to live in a way that you could trust them, then you should also be living your life the same way. 

I love the image that the quote at the beginning of this post puts in my head.  You take a piece of paper, crumple it up, and smooth it back out.  It might lay flat, and be useable, but there will still be wrinkles, possible tears, and it won't look as pretty as it once did.  If you break someone's trust they will always wonder if you're telling the truth or not, they will me more likely to doubt you, and they won't look at you the same as they once did.  

Trust makes life better. A marriage based on trust with be a happier one and one that will be closer to the Lord.